There are days when I believe but there are days when I've lost all faith.......

12:54 am - Who knows?

Or maybe its me thats pathetic after all...............

Current Mood: cold

12:23 am - Its always the innocent things.................

I guess I shouldn't trust anyone after all...............

You try everything and after all that, you always get your enemies from your friends - whether it be something your friend said a certain person did to you and now you hate them or something you think has happened but it hasn't............

Its pretty pathetic 'cos you don't have both sides of the story do you?

I mean, have you really spoken to me?

I doubt it............or the times you have I've either been showing how much someone means to me and being worried about them ot caught you when you've had one of your 'I wanna be alone - fuck the world' moments..............

The things I do to others isn't really a concern in any case..........it should be how I treat you and how much I care about you that should matter. Ever heard 'Always a woman to me' by Billy Joel - he didn't give a fuck about how she treated anyone else, just as long as she loved him...........

Why hate me?
Why hate what I've done to others...........when in any case, it wasn't intentional, its just how I can be a jerk sometimes...........Iam not proud of it, don't think Iam.............just understand that you do mean alot to me...................and the fact that the only time we've really spoken face to face was when I couldn't find a certain person..........I was scared and worried and we talked nonstop about that person until we found them.........and if that doesn't show how much I care.........then I don't know what Iam supposed to do.......

I do my best.........I really do.

Every single damned day, getting up, hoping not to hurt anybody but it always seems I have to worry or be paranoid cos no doubt, I guess through not fault of yours or mine, I will say something that will be taken the wrong way, or my intentions misunderstood and I will be back to square one.

Just believe I give a damn about you............'else I wouldn't wanna chat to you anytime I saw you online or I wouldn't send you emails and things to ask how you are.

And so what if I fuck up...........
I don't think theres an occasion that goes by when I haven't asked how you are or hoped you were ok..............so, surely that means something.

'Cos anything I say is meant with the greatest of respect and the best of intentions.........
And maybe Iam not the best guy in the world but I try, maybe too hard, but I do try............

So surely that counts for something, doesn't it?


(And no one made me sad, I was already sad............)

Current Mood: sad

09:37 pm - Anyone got a job for me?

Note to self:

Jobhunting tomorrow - job needed soonish........as in by Sunday at least.............!!!!!!

05:05 pm - Sorry for stealing but its for a good cause............

Well............number 4 is a bit wrong but the rest is good..............

Current Mood: calm

04:54 pm - Well, Iam back................as if that means much lol

'What can be better than watching R.E.M, 'The Office' and 'The A - team' and drinking a few beers with your best mate'? - Davo

Iam not sure the answer to that one......

Iam missing but whoever Iam or I have been missing is probably glad to be rid of me for a while..........I don't blame them one bit.

But then again...........this last few days have given me a chance to rejuvenate and to be able to focus a little bit clearer, despite having little Ryan, Anne and Marie and Gemm the cat screeching and shouting around me.......its been a strange few days but who knows what the next few will hold...........

All I can do is hold on tight, pray for the best and hope that the head Iam in at the moment is better than the head I had on Monday night..............

Current Mood: thoughtful

01:03 am - I need to clear my head before I lose it altogether...............

Well, after my drunken chat with Davo tonight, It looks like Iam at his for a few days.............I've made some mistakes tonight which I made while trying to make things ok and made myself into a lying, idiotic, begging fool. I know I need to find some clarity in things before the week is through so I can act as a better friend and while the ball isn't in my court.

I don't want another 2004 summer..........
I just hope things can work out.........

Current Mood: and hurting

11:02 pm - Well, this is how I feel. Guess I should really.............I fucked up, after all.

I've got a story to tell
but then again, everyone has.
Its the same old lines
about forgetting your past.
But once you do
what has anyone got left?
Its like you've lost the anchor
from when you tested the depths......

And once it was here
but now its gone.
What was the one thing
I knew all along?
Nothing lasts
and it all starts to fade.
Whats left in the end
is only the mess you have made.

I've got a story to tell
but its the one you've already heard.
Its the one where I missed the past
and all the times you cared.
But now its all left up to you
and as you turn and walked away.
I begged for the life I lost
and how I want to turn back the day..........

And once it was here
but now its gone.
What was the one thing
I knew all along?
Nothing lasts
and it all starts to fade.
Whats left in the end
is only the mess you have made.

Did I think you wouldn't walk away?
Did I think you'd say you don't care?
Did I think I could push you too far down?
Did I ever think I would be too much to bear?

And once it was here
but now its gone.
What was the one thing
I knew all along?
Nothing lasts
and it all starts to fade.
But whats left in the end.....................?

Current Mood: I fucked up!

10:52 pm - Something I figured out last year...........I don't wanna lose anyone again, but if I have to.......

Some of the ugliest things
Took the longest time to make
And some of the easiest habits
Are the hardest ones to break

And I'm not asking for value
Nor the pain
But I am asking
For a way out of this lie

Because I can't wait for you
To catch up with me
And I can't live in the past
And drown myself in memories

Welcome to nowhere
And finding out where it is
And fixing your problems
And starting over again

Your feeding your ego
With what you can see outside
And you're killing yourself
For not speaking your mind

Because I can't wait for you
To catch up with me
And I can't live in the past
And drown myself in memories

In memory...

I wonder why you make believe
You live your life straight through me
I cannot understand
Why you question me and then you lie

I will not justify your ways
I cannot show you an escape
I do not know you any more
I never knew you anyway

Because I can't wait for you
To catch up with me
And I can't live in the past
And drown myself in memories

In memory...
In memory...
In memory...
In memory...

10:44 pm - That broken man is me...............

How am I supposed to love you?
Why am I too young to die?
Why does fever burn inside you?
Must I have a will to fight?
Do these questions have an answer?
Where's the truth and what's the cause?
All my problems form a puzzle
All my pieces have been lost

And I can stop
Anytime I want
And I can quit
Anytime I want
And I can stop
Anytime I want
Nothing in this world
Can tell me to

And every door's a mental scapegoat
Every wall a primal cage
Every floor a brand new level
Every window's built for dreams
Heroes never wanted status
Victims never asked for pain
Reason never needed answers
Statues never wanted change

And I can stop
Anytime I want
And I can quit
Anytime I want
And I can stop
Anytime I want
Nothing in this world
Can tell me to

Well I'm dead
I see things clearly
I fess
I feel
This pain
And hunger
Eats all my insides
Why must things be this way?

And I can stop
Anytime I want
And I can quit
Anytime I want
And I can stop
Anytime I want
Loving you might even kill me
Loving you might even kill me

Current Mood: cold

09:47 pm - Something stolen................sorry to whoever I stole it from lol

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
On my upper arm - someone stabbed me in the arm when I was in primary school - never forget it!

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Lita, Pearl Jam. The Hardy Boys,..........just wrestling basically lol

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Like a phone lol

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Everything.............literally

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
8:05 AM

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
My band to be..........a band, not a duo

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
Liking my own company - I hate the fact I feel I have to rely on someone else to make me happy these days, someone whos probably gonna leave me anyways.....

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
At the mo, my 3000 songs and my keyboard

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Amy perfume lol

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Yes sometimes

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW:
It would suit me fine the way I feel right now

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Tori Amos - Iam gonna marry her lol

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Lynx

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
long and black or red.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
On a stage, at a gig my band is playing

16. DO YOU LIKE PORN?
Nah...........my hands are better for writing songs

17. WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES?
Still Crazy, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, Rock Star, Daredevil, The Crow

18. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?
Canada

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Hazel

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Basic french very badly lol

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ?)
A Manic Street Preachers cd

22. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(s)
Jim Morrison, JR Richards (Dishwalla), Tori amos, Matthew Good, Brent Smith (Shinedown)

23. FAVORITE BAND(s)
top 5
Dishwalla, REM, The Doors, Pearl Jam , Finger Eleven

24. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Anne Rice,

25. FAVORITE DESSERT:
Chocolate chip cookies

26. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE?
Normal and hot

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE ?
'Being in a band is like being in a relationship and the live thing is the sex and for us, the sex has always been good' - JR Richards on Dishwalla

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Yes, but its my own fault for waiting

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Show them!!!!

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
50

31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
Redheads

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Hazel

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Noisy eaters lol

34. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PRANK CALL?
Yes

35. WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH?
As if I'd tell u

36: WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?
Ironically, dying alone

37: SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN/TALKED TO IN AWHILE:
Thanks for not calling, bastard(!)

38: HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND NOT MEANT IT?
No way!!!!!

39: WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Blowing my nose

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A new head

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
It was there saying 'Fill me in, please'!

42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
How random! lol - 4 cheeses

Current Mood: cranky

04:57 pm - And for Hazel - how like me...............but it can only say so much.

They call me the apologist and now that I'm at peak
You know at first it really hurt, we joke about these things
I've skirted all my differences but now I'm facing up
I wanted to apologise for everything i was, so...

I'm sorry, so sorry...

Did you understand me right? The people here are good
They tell me what I should have done and offer what I could
I'm good, all is good, all's well, no complaints
When I feel regret, I get down on my knees and prey...

I'm sorry, so sorry...

I live a simple life unfettered by complex sweets
You think this isn't me? Don't be weak, there I go
I'm so sorry

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for listening
Goodbye
I can forfeit selfishness I hope for you that you apply
This happiness, this peacefulness

I'm sorry, so sorry...

I live a simple life unfettered by complex sweets
You think this isn't me? Don't be weak, there I go
I'm so sorry

Current Mood: I'll miss you...............

04:56 pm - For everyone else..........

See my heart I've traded in
Some new stranger dwells within
Crazy circles leading me back where I've been

So I start over again give until you give in
Pay the devil now to make amends
And I'll give all this back to you
In the end

Pull the stitch and heal the loss
Sell the soul and pay the cost
There are no words that can
Bring me back what I've lost

So I start over again give until you give in
Pay the devil now to make amends
And I'll give all this back to you
In the end

Now I know that words can kill
I have seen that words can kill
And I smile as I walk to the gallows
Wait while the hangman reads
Watch as my soul is escaping my body
I rise up as smoke through the trees
Rise up as smoke through the trees

So I start over again give until you give in
Pay the devil now to make amends
And I'll give all this back to you
In the end

Current Mood: cold

03:41 pm - For my mum - before I go..............

Well i dont know what to say
because theres truth to what you say
I know it kills you i'm this way
Theres something different every day

/Chorus/
Could it be that i never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?
Could it be that sometimes i say things just to disagree?
Could it be that i am only beeing me?

Not easy living in my mind
A little peace is hard to find
My every thought is undermined
By all the history inside

/Chorus/
Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?
Could it be that sometimes i say things just to disagree?
Could it be that i am only being me?

/Bridge/
I know i hear the words you said
Over and over again
I just cant get them through my head
There is just too many voices
Must be like living with the dead
Waiting for me to begin
To do the things that i have said
And for this i'm sorry

So theres some truth to what you say

/Chorus/
Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?
Could it be that sometimes i say things just to disagree?
Could it be that i am only being me?

Current Mood: and scared

12:12 am - Keeping it short and sweet.......unlike alot of things.........I hope...........

Well............not much I really want to say tonight other than thanks to Haz for joining me this afternoon - it was really cool to just chill with you, discussing our futures and listening to music and joking and fooling around..........I really love those times we get to do that!
Oh and I've got a paper bag to wear now too..........thanks for that lol
Thank you and hope you are ok!!! XX

And thanks Claire for chatting to me tonight - it was really sweet and ace to chat to you - hope we can do it again soon! XX

Now............on to bed...........

Current Mood: cheerful

11:39 pm - Iam only here to cherish your pain............

What an ace song - it has fitted so many times...........



I have come a long way where I started from
but I'm still not even close to where I'm going
I can no longer see the shine
that has been lighting up my way
I cannot feel its glowing

The fire in my heart is dying
and the zeal I had is gone

This path that I've chosen's a rocky one
Long, hard and frozen it has become
Each turn that I've taken on the way
has only led me back to Hell
I am dying down… growing weaker now
It could seem that I'm doing fine
but I'm broken to little pieces deep inside

Why did I ever choose to go this way
The question I keep asking myself all the time
I guess it was my instinct for self-destruction
that pointed me down, down this way

The fire in my eyes is dying
and the dream I had is gone

This path that I've chosen's a rocky one
Long, hard and frozen it has become
Each turn that I've taken on the way
has only led me back to Hell
I am dying down… growing weaker now
It could seem that I'm doing fine
but I'm broken to little pieces deep inside

This path that I've chosen's a rocky one
Long, hard and frozen it has become
Each turn that I've taken on the way
has only led me back to Hell
I am dying down… growing weaker now
It could seem that I'm doing fine
but I'm broken to little pieces and broken to little pieces
and i'm broken to little pieces deep inside

Current Mood: contemplative

10:49 pm - Well, well, well............sounds like me.

10:37 pm - I just love when shit works, its amazing.............

Couldn't have said it better myself................

Current Mood: amused

10:33 pm - I wanna wake up where you are..............

Heavy thoughts seem to slip away
When you are on my darkest days
I trust in you
Many debts I cannot repay
Too many clouds in my sky today
I trust in you

As if it really matters
You run

Chorus:
When I reach out for a hand to
Pull me through the storm
Pull me through the norm
I reach for you

Broken glass as the evening fades
Take another drink as it fades away
I trust in you
Stealing rays from the sun so bright
Join a million people in the church tonight
I trust in you

As if it really matters
You run

(Chorus)
In.......my........mind
I reach for you

Spread inside
My mind
You'll find
That you really matter
What's right
In this life
We must try
As if it really matters

I reach out for a hand to
Pull me through the storm
Pull me through the norm
When I reach out for a hand to
Pull me through the storm
Pull me through the norm
When I reach
I reach (2x)
When I reach
I reach (2x)

I reach for you

11:07 pm - Bite me!!!! No, no, no not there........I need that. Ahhh........there, thats better.

Whoooooo!!!!

Jeez........its been a weird day.

Got up, at about 11 - ish, thought 'Fuck this for a game of soldiers!!! Iam not staying in...........', so I rang Davo and we wreaked havoc in various places in town. he gave me advice on a number of issues which I appreciated, then he disapeared 'cos he needed a piss lol.
Came home , apologised to my mum for the arguing in the morning, gave her a present and a hug.
She sent me off to Morrisons for a new kettle and came home and faced my fear of the day.............phoning Amy!

Actually, we had an awesome conversation - we discussed her problems with Joe and how shes loves him so much but he accused her of guilt-tripping him about how he always works and she admits she always hates aloneness and needs reassuring and made feel better bout things ('Yep - I've been there before. You're starting to sound alot like me.......') which I again told her she shouldn't need to feel guilty for loving and hes probably going through a tough phase - he shouldn't also worry about me being her friend 'cos hes gort her and that says alot about him which she said me saying that said so much to her..........
She then asked me about me various problems with family and friends.......I opened my soul about it all as only I could to Amy and told her about my leaving when I've got everything together.......she told me I've gotta do what I need to like life and to keep in touch and ring her regularly which I said I would anyways. She also told me she can't imagine me doing anything wrong to anyone or needing forgiveness - I said believe it - she said how we always surprise the other but never really change and how we are so alike in many ways...........
She then pointed out what a really odd relationship we have - friends in college but never really talking, always watching the other from a distance and having their back and and helping if needed trusting the other with all we've got. I said its not gonna end now and Iam always there for her no matter where Iam.......and plus Iam gonna ring her loads now too - shes says she looks forward to it.

It was so cool............plus Hazzy rang earlier and we had a really nice conversation about various things at the moment which we love lol...........not gonna go into it, pardon the pun! lol And also shes comin........ahem! Shes.......popping around tommorow to see my and my mum and Iam meeting her in town so Iam very happy about that and we can have a cool relaxing time tomorrow, doing stuff we like!

Well............its been a cool day and hopefully, that will continue on.........it probably won't be we can always live in hope, can't we?

Current Mood: content

10:24 pm - My hero!!!!!!!! Some say Iam strangely obsessed but they don't know the half of it...........

Current Mood: amused